For the past few years, I have compiled a list of sorts for my birthday. The list could be random thoughts or just some introspective observances spanning my time thus far with you here on this lovely planet.
Last year was in the form of recounting running 100-miles essentially non-stop. Two years ago, my “30 for 30” post was more of a diary entry. The “29 for 29” is out there somewhere, too. I liked writing these things, sharing them, and got some good feedback both positively and negatively.
It’s interesting to look back each year and see where my head was and what I valued and paid attention to. This year I’m adding a little bit more of a theme and structure. (Maybe that’s a microcosm into the life changes I’ve made in the past year, maybe it’s just a coincidence.)
So without further ado, Happy 32nd birthday to me!
32 for 32
{Things That Scare Me}
- The geese along the Charles River.
- My receding hairline.
- Loneliness
- The kind of loneliness felt alone in the woods or at the top of a mountain at night.
- The kind of loneliness felt floating on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
- The kind of loneliness that comes wondering if anyone else will understand me fully.
- Jimmy Buffet fans.
- Not changing my address in time and missing an important letter/package.
- That I don’t have enough patience.
- That one of these days the fear of failure is going to outweigh my inner drive to be better or to want more. That I’ll give up… that I’ll stop hustling, stop wanting to learn/grow, stop capitalizing and trying to make things better.
- Always be seeking approval/validation.
- Compulsively checking social media.
- The thought that dating apps have turned dating into a perpetual and desperate seeking of validation, a want-to-be-wanted VS seeking love in a partner.
- And that even sharing a post like this could be a desperate attempt to get you to like me more.
- Losing a creative drive. Running out of ideas.
- Speaking a foreign language to someone who speaks the language fluently and the inherent wondering if I am sounding like a complete moron.
- That I will eventually hurt anyone/everyone that decides to get close to me. Currently I think of myself as being an excellent acquaintance, a mediocre friend, a pretty terrible “close friend.” I have a lot of friends, but none too close. It’s a strange realization.
- Wasting time. Not to be confused with “being bored,” but spending time and working hard at something not worthwhile. The opportunity loss that goes with it.
- Auto-belays at the rock gym. Specifically, the moment you let go. I don’t know how these things work, how many fail-safes are in place, or when the last time it was checked, and who checked it anyways??
- The oncoming seasonal depression that hits like a ton of bricks every winter even though I tell myself to prepare for it.
- The News. Any sort of news, really. More specifically the fact that a few people decide what to show a mass of people and influence their thoughts and emotions.
- Getting caught in the act of one of my weird habits and having to explain them to someone. I guess a couple of examples are necessary:
- I am pretty obsessive about doing 150 pushups a day. Sometimes that means a random set of 30 in the grocery store parking lot. I don’t care if a stranger sees that, but it’d be awful if I had to explain that to someone I knew.
- I sometimes feel like I have to keep a secret agenda. Like, I just want to leave your party so I can go walk somewhere by myself. I don’t tell anyone or lie about it because if I tried to explain it to them it’d seem weird. Or worse, they’d want to come with me when I really just want to be by myself.
- People singing “Happy Birthday” to me. (This should be number two.)
- Being called out on forgetting someone’s name. Also, wondering if the other person sees right through me as I am trying to concurrently keep my cool and frantically rack my memory for their name.
- Being pitied. (This should be number one.)
- Teeth. Anything to do with teeth. I have recurring nightmares about my teeth.
- Being thought of as unhygienic; smelly, bad breath, dirty, etc.
- Repeating myself. In the sense that you run out of interesting things to say so you unknowingly tell the same person the same story and they are too polite to tell you but are really thinking, “What an idiot.” In general, being thought of as a complete idiot.
- That I won’t be able to hit the next 4x6min interval workout.
- Being ignored.
- Being the center of attention.
- My recent thoughts that love is just an agreed upon suspension of reality. Like hypnotism.
- That one day everyone will figure out that I’m a big fraud.
- Ease of dehumanizing that takes place behind cars or behind screens. Good people say and do horrible things to each other… things they would never ever EVER say to someone else’s face... from behind a steering wheel or behind a screen. It’s scary.
- Always wanting more. Never thinking of myself as enough. Put broadly, not fully embracing or understanding that “poverty” is a notion of “wanting more” NOT “having little.”
- Fear the loss of faith. Not necessarily in a higher power but faith in humanity (maybe it is one in the same?). The loss in faith in that things in this world are actually getting better and capable of getting even better.
- Missing the humor in a well-crafted, well-timed, hilarious joke.
- That mine will be of last generations who will remember life without social media/smartphones. (And I understand that this is narcissistic in a way and that generations before me have said the same about TVs, cars, lights, maybe even fire. And that future generations will say, “Kids these days won’t ever realize what it’s like not to have mind-reading, teleportation, intergalactic travel.
- The allure of not having your entire life documented online. It is possible that teenagers today will have had Facebook for their entire lives. I love a good #TBT but think about that.
- The simplicity of not comparing yourself to others on a hourly/minutely basis.
- The enjoyment and rush from creating something for yourself and of yourself instead of wasting time spectating the lives of friends wondering what you are missing out on.
- The mystery of trying to find a gas station close by while your gas light is on.
- The thrill of asking someone out on a date face to face.
- The subsequent enjoyment of learning about that person over time instead of stalking their profiles for every last bit of detail on them immediately.
- Never ever giving the car door test. (<Is there a better movie than A Bronx Tale?) Is there a modern day equivalent to the door test??
- Having to wait a week before pictures got developed.
- Just a regular phone call to shoot the breeze or coordinate, instead of wondering, “Why’s this person calling me?”
- Actually watching movies/shows and not just having them as background noise as you scroll.
